Battle Of Da G-Wagons: A CarEnvy MegaFair™ Comparison Test



Welcome back to anova glue-huffin’ addition of da CarEnvy MegaFair™ Comparison Test!

In dis mega-masha’ smackdown, two 5-door wagons vie for street supremacy. It be kinda like da Bloods vs. da Crips, but wit’ way mo’ at stake. Da Countryman be Mini’s first 5-door and da most biggest vehicle in da company’s history. Dis has given lots o’ peeps lots to chatter about, but none of dem has looked at its bad ass G-ness. CarEnvy be changin’ dat by pitting it against da new tech-poppin’, rock-slingin’ Ford Focus. And we ain’t talking about da kind of rocks dat David slung at Goliath oh no, we be talkin’ about da kinds of rocks you smoke, baby. Cuz da Focus plays for keeps!

Now, deez two might be seemin‘ like a pair of mild-mannered hatchbacks marketed and designed for da young urban professionals who be wearin’ thick-rimmed glasses and practicin’ Anusara yogaz, but dat ain’t da whole truth. Sure, dey both be upmarket whips that be eager to differentiate demselves from da pack with a slammin’ combo of panache and practicality, but don’t let dat costume fool you da way it has so many others! Deez two only wear cardigans during da day to fool dey oblivious bosses, but by night, y’all better believe that dey be some of the baddest motherf*ckers dis side of East Hastings. So which one of these two G-Units has da walk to back up da talk?

As usual, we has devised 5 devastatingly difficult tests to find out. Respek!

1. Let The Beat Build, Bitch!

For da most scientific MegaFaircomparison we has ever had, we has downloaded an iPhone appetizer called Decibels, and gave our most awesomest guesses as to where da horizontally-swinging needle be maxin’ out. If you has observantly noticed that this is about as scientific sound as trickle-down economics, just keep in mind dat when it come to MegaFair™ comparison tests and conservative politickin’, it’s all relative. And how about dem results?

Ford Focus: 104dB

Mini Countryman: 94dB

It be lookin’ like da Focus, with its beat bumpin’ 10-speaker Sony stereo, just eked out da Countryman with its workaday base system. But da numbers don’t tell da whole story. Because da Focus be equipped with Ford’s balls-choppin’-off MyKey, da speakers be limited to only 50% of dey maximalest volume. Some of dis limitation can (and was) overcome by crankin’ dat bass, midrange, and treble settings, but it be a limitation nonetheless. And yet, despite all dis limitin’, da Focus be twice as proficient at blaring The Carter IV as da Countryman was, lest we forget dat decibels be followin’ a logarithmic scale like sheep. Waddup!

Focus: 1 – Countryman: 0

2. Rollin’ On Dubs

Nothing lets yo hood know you made it like a set of dubs, or even better yet, deuce deuces. But da fat chrome dubs also let da office parking lot know dat you prefer smoking trees to planting trees, so some subtlety be required in dis ‘ere competition. But fo sho, extra points still be awarded for extra big-up size. No doubt.

Da Focus be bringin’ a snazzy-looking set of 18s to dis scrappy test, but da rubber bands dat surround dem look like a you’re actin’ a fool. But maybe dat’s da point. After all, if you don’t keep your cash wrapped up in rubber bands, you ain’t made it. Either way, da Focus’ 18s ain’t as visually pleasin’ as da 17s on da Mini Countryman. Da Mini’s matte black spinners look plain dope surrounded by dat chunky 55-series rubber and you ain’t never guess dat dey be actually da smaller of da two. Chalk one up for da feisty Countryman cuz it be all tied up!

Focus: 1 – Countryman: 1

3. Stuntin’

Stuntin’ is all about showing the streets your best shit. It’s your biggest move, your flashiest flash, and all you’ve got. If you can’t stunt, you ain’t shit. The Focus, as an eminently reasonable $600 option, has a show-stopping, crowd-stunning, self-parking feature. It won’t do much for you in the mall lot because it’s only for parallel parking, but in the city hood is where it shines. No one wants to embarrass themselves by botching a parallel park so the Focus gives you millimeter precise parallels that will have your passengers losing their shiznit and passerbys dip snappin’ (or Clac Clac les doigts for our French readers), much like our homeboy Ali G represents at the opening of this interview with Noam Chomsky below.

Da Countryman don’t dip snap in yo face, it be stuntin’ by lookin’ oh so damned fine to da ladies. Hell, it’s got enough brand cachet and Brit charm to make yo baby mamma wish she never dumped your ass. For real! Its cheery visage, tucked rear, and perky stance let da peeps know dat yooz like a wicked masha party, even if dat party’s at Discovery Zone. Ok, so da Countryman don’t really have anythin’ to stop you in yo tracks, which is why it easily gives up this test to da Focus and its street parking fireworks show. Booyakasha!

Focus: 2 – Countryman: 1

4. Scrillin’

Paper, scratch, bills, cash, zeej, scrills. It all means one thing: BIG MONEY. And nothing be mo’ gangsta than shrewd ass car deals. Just look at T-Pain, he bought a used private jet cuz you just know a brotha’s gotta keep his costs down! Scrillin’ is resolutely not about just about spending da most money, any foo’ can do that, you gotta make yo money count like Count von Count, bitch. To see which of these two whips makes it count da most, we took dey cost and sliced it up by dey horsepower to see which one gives y’all da most speed for yo scrillas.

Focus: $30,979/160 hp = $194/hp

Countryman: $33,745/121 hp =  $279/hp

Damn son! Da Focus gives yo waaaay more hatch for yo money, so it be winnin’ this test. Aww who is we kiddin’, it be all about spendin’ yo money as fast n’ as a irresponsible as possible. Give dis one to da Countryman! All tied up with only one to test to go!

Focus: 2 – Countryman: 2

5. Kings Deserve Thrones

Y’all know Lil Jon. WHAT? OK! And y’all know what the Fresh Prince o’ Bel Air. What does dey have in common? Dey both Kings of Dey Castles. Kings ain’t shit without dey thrones and they chalices. So grab yo blingin’ chalice and nestle into yo throne and get ready to get comfy. Startin’ wit’ da Countryman, we see dat it only seats 4 of yo peeps, which be meanin’ dat one of yo crew be walkin’. Dat some bullshit fo real! To add in salts to yo injuries, the seats be so flat dat da walls be jealous. Snap! Doze seats wrap around yo skinny ass like yo arms wrap around a Californ-I-A Redwood. It ain’t even close.

Da Focus seats be all up on yo shit like yo parole officer. Start slidin’ one way and it be there to catch y’all, go da other way and it be there too! In dem twisty roads, da Focus thrones be latchin’ on to you like dat nasty weed habit. Ya just can’t shake dat shit. Da bolsters in particula’ be stacked like me girl. Not dat me is braggin’ or nothin’. Da two-tone leatha just be da icin’ on da cake. For Kings, dey is only one option ‘ere: Da Focus.

FINAL: Focus: 3 – Countryman: 2

Officially, da 2012 Ford Focus has overcome da stereotypes that held it back for so long. It’s a big time occasion, like da endin’ of apartheid. No longer will da Focus be relegated to broke ass homies looking for cheap wheels; it now be graduated to some next level shit and don’t gotta listen to da haters no mo’. In this battle of the G-Wagons, the Countryman gets motherf*cking curbed stomped. The Focus be like “Waddup!” So give it up y’all for y’all’s new CarEnvy MegaFair™ Comparison Test champion: Da 2012 Ford Focus!

See you homeboyeez next time. Boom!

*™ pending with Royal Canadian Trademark Office